My comfy corner in Heaven

I have always wondered how heaven is like since I was very young. I wondered if I will still know who I am, that is if there were no tears and no sin, would I be still me? Will I remember my sad past in nostalgia and still not feel even some kind of sadness? Or worse, will I not be able to remember at all?

Then over the years, I begin to have a firmer picture of heaven, as an actual place where I will still be who I am, with the full presence of God with us. And I will have with me all the treasures I have accumulated while on (the old) earth, like love, patience, kindness, etc. I will get to do stuff I love to do. And most probably I will have work but work that is joyful and fun! I will have all the people around me whom I do not have to second guess because our relationships will be perfect and transparent. I do not have to worry about making anyone angry or feel bad because we will be in an eternal spirit of giving and love.

That is my current understanding of heaven.

So when the Catholic priest said yesterday that heaven is not a place but a state, I said to myself, "hold on...no way." But I have not done enough study to effectively defend it with Scripture. Someone actually tried and quoted from the Gospel of John, "In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going." (John 14:2-4, ESV)

The priest then said we cannot read the Scripture literally all the time. And the "place" here is not literal.

I am of course not convinced. If the "place" is not a place, where in Scripture can he prove that it is not a place but a state? I don't think he can disprove that by just commenting that it is not literal. The way I see it, the gospel of John is to be read literally. It is not an apocalyptic writing like Revelation.

This is where as I have noted yesterday, that I will finally dig into that book sitting in my library for far too long.


Heaven
by Randy Alcorn

I have just started and I like his writing. And here is a paragraph I really like, and mind you, I have just started reading the book and I certainly look forward to the coming days snuggling in a comfy corner reading about heaven! Such bliss! But imagine, this comfy corner in heaven! Ahh!

"What God made us to desire, and therefore what we do desire if we admit it, is exactly what he promises to those who follow Jesus Christ: a resurrected life in a resurrected body, with the resurrected Christ on a resurrected Earth. Our desires correspond precisely to God's plans. It's not that we want something, so we engage in wishful thinking that what we want exists. It's the opposite—the reason we want it is precisely because God has planned for it to exist. As we'll see, resurrected people living in a resurrected universe isn't our idea—it's God's."

pearlie

Silent Retreat Day 3

The place I was in for the silent retreat is an Ignatian retreat house. I like the place because of its quietness, being close to nature in the jungle and its landscaping.

But however, that's about it, I'm afraid.

Other than the excellent retreat on Praying Ways led by the Cenacle Sisters, which I attended in May 2011, the rest of the retreats I attended in this place had me having issues with their theology. I do have good moments with God but I am always aware of teachings that is not aligned with what I was taught.

Well, I can't complain since I asked for it and I had freely signed up to attend. Anyway, it is not my place to say anything at all, being an "outsider".

But I will make a few observations about this particular retreat here:

1. I find that the retreat focused a lot on framework and tools, not very much on Scripture.

2. I was a bit disappointed not being able to take the communion. I understand and respect their decision. But after I had taken communion during a silent retreat in Chiang Mai, I felt pretty much left out of the body of Christ this time.

3. The father said that heaven is not a place but a state of being. I don't think I can agree with that. There will be a new heaven and a new earth and that sounds very "placey" to me. With that, my next read will be Randy Alcorn's Heaven so I can resolve the matter in my mind.
(P/S: it is a real place! "They're as real as the places we were born and the places we now live"
Source: Heaven, "Introduction: The Subject of Heaven", Randy C. Alcorn)

4. The father made a comment that Catholic theology has been stable and the same all the centuries unlike the Christians, making reference to Kong Hee of Singapore. That I feel is quite an unfair statement. Coming from a Wesleyan background and now growing in the Baptist tradition, our theology and doctrine have been very stable indeed over time as well. And I am in the same way as aghast as he is with the likes of Kong Hee.

5. On the irony, he actually said that non-Christians, i.e. Buddhists and Muslims, if they lived right according to their conscience may go to heaven. Wow...where did Jesus and the cross go in this?

But God is in all of this nonetheless. I say this because of what happened when I got into my car at the end of retreat to return home.

The Praying Ways retreat was very special to me (refer here and here). It was a time when God revealed himself to me through a dragonfly and the sound of thunder in line with the song by Steve Green, The Symphony of Praise.

What happened this time was this: when I got into the car I automatically connected my iPhone to the car player and as usual it plays a song randomly. Out of the 387 songs I have, this time it played The Symphony of Praise! This song has never played randomly before.

I realised God is reminding me that he is ultimately in charge and I can depend on him at all times and in all ways.

pearlie

Silent Retreat Day 2

Coming here on a last minute basis, I came to the Lord this morning asking him what he desires of me. It got it resolved to two items, one of which is to re-center my life in him.

I began by re-looking into my "life line" which I keep track under this free Apple app call LifeTrack. I updated it and realised that I have not been in a silent retreat since my last one in Chiang Mai in December 2011.

And what is more amazing is that I have been to three silent retreats in year 2011 alone. I did not even realise that.

Then there was none till now, two and a half years later.

This augments the need for me to re-center my life in God. I've had several major things that happened in these two and a half years, among which are changing jobs three times, one of which involved being laid off. And one good thing is that I have started attending a care group under PBC in this period and I am still faithfully attending it.

My life is full of stuff to do at the moment, at home, at work, my reading, and at my faith community. With so much doing, I have neglected my time with God some. I am still praying and reading his Word. But it could be better.

With this, I hope to double up the time I spend with him. And be more mindful of him every hour of my days.

Like what the ESV Study Bible say of 1 Thess. 5:17, "pray without ceasing suggests a mental attitude of prayerfulness, continual personal fellowship with God, and consciousness of being in his presence throughout each day."

That is indeed my prayer, that I will continue in a daily personal fellowship with God and being conscious of him throughout each day. Amen.

pearlie

Silent Retreat Day 1

I had a really long day today administering a workshop session for about 30 people. I have been doing that since Wednesday and I am totally exhausted.

And as it is with most Fridays, I spend the evening with close friends in CG in a warm hearth of friendship and brotherly love.

Instead I found myself in a group of strangers. Maybe it is because this silent retreat was a last minute one, of which I have had no preparations made. I know I did say that I am a queen of last minutes yesterday. It's just that when I am finally here, I felt so uneasy and out of place and in my tiredness, I did not recognise what it was and it was indeed unnerving. Introductions with the few people who spoke to me were really awkward. My deepest apologies to them.

But I am more settled down now that the time is silence has begun. The time of solitude that I am yearning for is now here and I am feeling more at peace.

But the thing is I am so tired I want to get to sleep but I can't. My mind is just too busy.

I need to wind down. And retire. And sleep.

Good night everyone.

pearlie

An answer to a prayer

We all know that God work in amazing ways and he does.

I have not been to a silent retreat for a really long time and suddenly I had this urge to be silent and to spend time alone with God. So I popped an email to Margaret of Maranatha Retreat House on Monday for the retreat this weekend. I wasn't expecting much and true enough, it was full.

The amazing thing however is this: I received an email this morning from Margaret telling me that there is a last minute pull out and if I would be interested to go.

Last minute stuff usually works for me. I texted my husband if he can manage with me gone for the weekend. He, being a last minute person himself, was ok about it too. And the next thing is to really decide if I want to go.

Margaret gave me a name, Mary, and contact number to call, without much detail. I could not get Margaret on the line and so I called Mary. It turned out that it was Mary's friend who pulled out and as a result Mary had to pay for the entire twin sharing room and she was about to confirm an expensive taxi ride up the hill. Apparently, I called just in time because not only can I replace the person who pull out and pay for half the room, I can also offer her transport. She wasn't too comfortable being alone in a taxi for such a long journey.

It feels nice to be an answer to someone's prayer and it feels good that I listened to the still small voice of the Spirit telling me that I need my silent time with God and that I should checked out the retreat time table.

O Lord, I look forward to spending time with you this weekend. Open my ears, my eyes, my mind and my heart to your words, your glory, your presence and your grace.

Amen.

pearlie

This is My Body, This is My Blood

One of the interesting experience I had during this silent retreat was the mass services that I have been attending. First, I must highlight that all the silent retreats that I have attended, four so far, were ran by Catholics. It is only because I only know of silent retreats organized by them. I don't seem to find any details about the ones ran by Reconre, and I have not encountered any other people who do them in Malaysia.

Anyway, about the Catholic mass, I recognise the sensitivity of the Catholics with regards to non-Catholics who attend mass, and I know that it is common practice that most priests do not allow non-Catholic to partake in the bread and wine. I accept that - because I do not subscribe to the doctrine of transubstantiation and therefore I am okay not taking it, which has been the case for the first two retreats.

During the third retreat, the father commented to the non-Catholics that if we would choose to receive it, we are invited to do so. He said the choice was ours. I did not and the reason was theological. I felt that if I choose to take it, then I will be subscribing to the dogma of transubstantiation because it will be given to me as such, based on the belief of the attending priest.

But during the this retreat however, things turned out very differently. During mass on the first night of the retreat, I automatically remained in my seat when the retreatants proceed to received the bread and wine.  Nobody said anything, the priest was silent about it, and I let it be, as being the common practice of non-Catholics in a mass. 

The next morning however, when I had my reflective session with a Catholic sister, she asked me very inquiringly, "Don't you take Holy Communion together with people in your church?" 

"Of course! I do! I do not take it in a Catholic mass because..." 

"Because you are sensitive to the feelings of the Catholics." she finished for me. 

I just nodded. She continued saying that she has spoken to the father about it and that it was okay if I desire to join them in receiving the sacrament. I thanked her for it and left the matter at that.

But I found myself in a dilemma. I had not tell her that though one of the reasons why I did not partake with them was because I respected them, the bigger reason was because of my theological stand. Like I mentioned, I felt that if I were to take it, it would seem like I am subscribing to the doctrine of transubstantiation. But she had approached it from the perspective of the body of Christ, that we come together to partake in the holy meal as a family in the Lord. 

I never felt so torn between. It felt wrong taking it and it felt wrong not taking it. As the time for mass drew closer and closer, I began to feel quite panicky. What should I do? Should I take it, or should I not take it? Or should I just not attend mass? 

I started writing my thoughts down. I write for therapeutic reasons. I write to feel better, I write to still my thoughts, I write to manage and to put in place my one million and one thoughts. 

And as I do so, the body of Christ begin to win over theology. But as I walked to the chapel, I was still undecided. As mass proceeded on, and as I begin to pay closer attention to the words uttered, I finally set my mind and stepped forward to partake in the holy meal together.

And that in itself is a very refreshing experience. I still do not believe or subscribe to the doctrine of transubstantiation, and it did not matter. What was special was that it has brought me to look at the Holy Communion anew. For the Methodists, we see it as the Holy Mystery of the Real Presence. Whilst it has not literally turned into the body and blood of Jesus, it is more than a symbol, more than a remembrance.  It is a Means of Grace. It is a holy sacrament that brings us into the holy presence of God through his grace and mercy.

I will not partake it anymore as before, I was serious about it but yet I can't help it but to say that it was in a sense of nonchalance in comparison to how the Catholics do it.

I will now partake it with more seriousness, more awe, more wonder, and in worship to my Lord Jesus Christ.

We will have the last mass service for the retreat later today. This may be the last mass I am permitted to partake in and as such, I will savor it and savor in the special and holy presence of my Lord.

Thanks be to God.

pearlie

The Sabbatical Cycle

My husband pooh-poohed it as a normal tendency for us to see patterns in all we do, but I see it as something quite interesting nonetheless.

I have been working for 20 years now and as I began to reflect on what I have done and what lessons I've learnt in these periods of years in different organisations, I saw that I have have been at work in 7-year cycles with prominent breaks at the beginning of every 7th year.

This I feel is reminiscent of the Sabbatical year cycle, even though I do not take year-long breaks (except for the first cycle, which I did).

And so, as I enter into the 4th cycle, I'm taking a deliberate break to reflect, recollect and regroup myself in preparation for it.

And I am reminded of the Aaronic blessing in Numbers 6:24-26, which I will receive from the LORD, as a commitment to Him that He is the Lord of all, He is the source of all good things, He is the purpose of life:

The LORD bless you and keep you
The LORD make His face shine upon you
And be gracious to you
The LORD lift up His countenance upon you
And give you peace

pearlie

The Circle of My Relationship with Jesus

I completed my retreat today - I have mixed feelings about it.

For one, I signed up for a silent retreat but it turned out not a silent one. Silent retreats are a blessing for introverts like me who sometimes feel drowned in the sea of extroverts, God bless them, they are everywhere!

The theme of the retreat was Friendship with Jesus Through Spiritual Exercises. I tend to be careful about the theme of friendship in relation to Jesus. If I am not mistaken, Jesus does not call himself our friend. He only called us his friends.

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.
~ John 15:12-17

I have not done much exegesis on this passage yet, but what I can say is that Jesus in calling us his friends is related to his work on the cross, where he laid down his life for us. This friendship is not reciprocal nor chummy, which is the danger if we see too much into Jesus as our friend. The context of friendship, I believe, is only in relation to him giving up his life. The language in the passage do not portray Jesus as friend - a friend as we understand it (1) do not command as Jesus is doing here and (2) friends choose each other to be friends, but we did not choose Jesus but he chose us.

I have not fully digested what I read here but it might be useful if you want to think about it more.

With regards to the spiritual exercises, it was described in the website that spiritual exercises will be introduced in the retreat but only one format of exercise was used. It was alright, really - it is quite a good structure though I'd rather have some variety. I know I sound like a whiner, but doing 12 exercises for 3 full days using the same format is really a bit much for me.

But I have had a good experience with God nonetheless. Each of the exercise were accompanied with a symbol and I thought that was good as it will help connect us to the experience we had in each exercise.

The spiritual exercise involve:
1. Preparation - before my prayer place, I consider ____ (e.g. how God created life). I make a gesture of reverence and humility.
2. Opening Prayer - With simple words, I offer my ____ to God/Father/Jesus/the Holy Spirit (e.g. offer my whole life).
3. Desire - I desire to ____. (the one intention of the exercise, e.g. know the the life-giving God).
4. Prayer - imagination contemplation of a related Scripture passage.
5. Conversation using the symbol.

The symbols were presented in the friendship theme but I am going to change it into a broader relationship perspective. Another observation is that I find that not all of the symbols were directly applicable. I don't know...I do not want to have such a critical spirit but yet, these things matter to me. So I am going to make changes as well.

The Circle of My Relationship with Jesus


Water
The Spirit hovers above the water to symbolise God who is the creator

Earth
Life that is brimming in the soil to symbolise Gos who is the life giver

My Grandma's Thimble
(anything that belongs to your grandmother or your birth certificate)
The link to my ancestors in our genealogy to symbolise my link to Jesus

Mirror
My image in the mirror to symbolise God creating me in his image
(I do not know how to change this. This is one exercise that I had the most problem with. I could not carry out the spiritual exercise because I could not relate the image I see in the mirror,i.e. my face, as an image of God. And if the mirror symbol is picked up from 1 Cor 13:12, we have to realise that mirrors at that time are made of cast metal or bronze, i.e. the image that you see will be dim and unclear, and the context of the mirror here is not related to us being created in his image. What do you think will serve as a better symbol?)

Bread
The body and the blood of Christ in the coming together as one body of Christ

Ointment
The ointment "in the alabaster jar" to symbolise that Jesus accepts us

Seeds
The word of God that God sowed on us as soil to symbolise listening to God

Ring
The ring that the forgiving father gave to the prodigal son who returned to symbolise forgiveness

Oil
The healing oil that symbolises God's healing power

Towel
The towel that Jesus used to wash the disciples' feet to symbolise servanthood

Fruit
A fruit to symbolise that I am merely a branch of the vine who is Jesus who is the source of everything I have and need

Cross
The cross of Christ where Jesus carried my guilt and shame

New Clothing
New clothes to symbolise that I am a new creation and risen with Christ into a new life

Candle
Fire on a candle to symbolise the Holy Spirit who is now in me, renewing me everyday in Christ, and bringing the symbols into a complete circle.

pearlie