Nurture by NatureUnderstand Your Child's Personality Type -- And Become a Better Parent

Nurture by Nature
Understand Your Child's Personality Type --
And Become a Better Parent
by Paul D. Tieger & Barbara Barron Tieger

Daniel introduced this book to me in our last discussion about type personality. I was telling him that I was trying to figure out which type my son was and he suggested that I read this book. I ordered it via http://www.abebooks.com/ and I just got it today.

I think my son is an ISFP. It is quite clear that he is an I and a P. It was the middle two that took me some time to figure out. But after thinking about it for sometime, while observing him more intently, I am quite certain he is an ISFP.

Now that I got the book, and reading his section, entitled "Gentle Free Spirits", it describes him quite well. And with that I hope I will be able to nurture him better. The one thing I must learn in dealing with him is to be gentle with him. I tend to be quite impatient, and I these are something I need work on, as the book suggested:

* Speak to him with a soft gentle voice *
(I tend to be harsh lately, I am not sure why -- still figuring out why I am so short-tempered lately)

* Look him in the eye and give him my fully attention when he speaks to me *
(I have been bad in this area, being a mom who is doing this and that and everything else all at one go)

* Be explicit in my directions and instructions; whenever possible, show him what I mean and physically point out limits and boundaries *
(I am a generalist, being an N -- I must learn to come down to details. No wonder I usually do not get the answers from him. I do realise even before this that my questions are usually too general for him to give me a detailed answer)

* Support his feelings and allow him to express them in his own time and style *
(Oh dear, I have been demanding him to answer my questions most of the time whenever I see he is not too happy about certain things. I wonder how I will be able to work this out, since I am a person of the moment. When I am passed that stage, I will not bring it up again.)

And many more that I would have to think through and slowly work through to make it a better experience to be his mom and he my son.

If you think (I do) if I am getting too serious about this type personality, let me know -- I do need someone to look over my shoulder to watch over me, lest I go overboard. I have always been very intrigued by personalities and since being introduced to this 16 types, I find it a very useful way to manage communication, understanding and life in general -- as long as it is not abused that is.

By the way, I am only using about 20 over pages of this 287-page book. If you know your kids' type, I'll see how I can share it with you.

pearlie

Post-Script: Ouch, this bites.

(Nurture by Nature, 1997, p.7-8)
Happily, most children don't live in the kinds of horrible conditions that we have all seen so much of on the news. So why, then, do so many children become adults who feel lousy about themselves? Perhaps it’s because the most common and pervasive assault on a child’s self-esteem that does on every day in most of our homes. As well-meaning but unaware parents, we all chip away at our child’s sense of self in a multitude of little ways: the criticism and disparaging comments, our impatience, the times we hurry our children though tasks they are enjoying to do something we deem more important, It’s the way we casually dismiss their interest or curiosity with things vaguely odd or seemingly inappropriate. It’s when our children live though years of constant nagging, discouragement, or disrespect. Ironically, we often treat our children in ways we would never consider treating another adult and certainly wouldn’t tolerate ourselves.

Those are the conditions that erode our children’s sense of themselves as strong, capable, and resilient individuals. And the price they pay for our criticism is that they begin to see themselves as we keep telling them we see them – as inherently flawed and in need of major overhauling, rather than innately perfect, capable, and divine. When the measure of a child’s worth is tied to how he compares to our estimation of what’s good or valuable, we undermine his confidence. When we gauge a child’s value by how he may meet our expectations, we cause him to doubt himself and doubt his true nature. Instead, as parents, we need to consciously accept and love our children for exactly who they are, naturally. That’s how we encourage self-esteem.

But how do we really accomplish this? By tailoring our parenting to match our child, rather than expecting our child to match our parenting.